At Long Last....Barefoot

I have been dying for a place to write for quite a long time. I considered creating a website, which was a lot of work, before I stumbled upon the world of blogs. Today I read some by other Jews and I wondered what makes us all desire to post publicly.

In my case, I have created websites before, where I have managed groups concerning a certain issue (irrelevant here). But this feels different, a little more intimidating. Because the one great love in my life is Judaism. And the one great sorrow of my life has been in recently finding myself all alone in my passions and enthusiasm. I don't think there is anything in the world that comes close to the way I feel about my faith- and my love -hate relationship with all things Jewish.

I feel like a rare, exotic bird amongst the Jewish blogs. I am female, I affiliate with the Conservative movement, I am "mature", I wear tallit and lay tefillin, and I am a convert. I lack the history of born Jews, the memories, yet neither do I carry any Jewish baggage. Everything is new to me, all the time; it is fresh. I originally fell in love with Judaism and with Torah and with Jews. Now, I have a love-hate relationship with synagogues. Indeed, I have a love-annoyed and frustrated relationship with my fellow Jews. My love for Torah, on the other hand, ever increases.

Why am I posting? Because there is no one I can talk to in depth. No one to share my discoveries with, and my conundrums. I moved from my community out of necessity and for the time being find myself without that sense of "home" that my previous life provided me- I have not been able to find a place of sanctuary. I am posting because I just want to talk about what I love most and what brings me the most distress.

I call myself the "Barefoot Jewess" because my very first time davenning (praying) on Yom Kippur was at a Chabad House in Los Angeles. I davenned barefoot. It seemed fitting.